Why Raise Sons with Frugality and Daughters with Affluence?

An old Chinese saying advises to “raise sons with frugality and daughters with affluence,” and this has underlying wisdom. Let's explore what it means.

“Raising sons with frugality” aims to prevent them from becoming wasteful. No amount of family wealth can sustain a careless spender. Since sons are expected to inherit the family business, they need to develop an awareness of costs and budgeting. Without this, they risk running the family assets into ruin.

Living frugally also trains a person to achieve goals with minimal resources, which is essential in project management. Anyone can succeed by throwing money at a problem, but it takes skill and ingenuity to succeed without overspending. This kind of resourcefulness is what defines true talent.

The Huangdi Yinfu Jing speaks to this principle, describing the natural law as, “Blessing arises from adversity, and harm arises from blessing.” A child from a poor background, who has experienced hardship, often gains resilience and motivation—an example of blessing arising from adversity. In contrast, a child from a wealthy background, raised without struggles, may become spoiled, which is harm arising from blessing.

A person who has never faced hardship often cannot handle significant challenges. This is echoed in Mencius, where it says, “When Heaven is about to confer a great task on any person, it first exercises their mind with suffering.” Those who are overindulged do not receive this favor from fate. Therefore, “raising sons with frugality” prevents harm from arising from excessive blessings. In The Book of Documents, the Shang dynasty’s Emperor Wuding was sent by his father, Emperor Xiaoyi, to live and work among the common people, enduring their struggles. This experience prepared Wuding to become a great leader—an example of “blessing arising from adversity.”

Some might argue that raising a son with frugality could lead to a narrow-minded attitude, but in truth, thriftiness and dignity are not contradictory.

Small-mindedness is an unattractive quality, and it's essential to differentiate between what requires generosity and what requires thrift. True thriftiness means choosing the most efficient way to accomplish things, while generosity, on the other hand, is about creating goodwill with minimal expense, often gaining support from others.

Most relationships among people aren't founded on moral principles or virtue; they're usually built on mutual benefit. It's often easy to win people over with small favors, but building deeper connections based on shared values, ideals, or ethics is rare, costly, and often undervalued by most people.

In The Great Learning, it says, “When wealth is concentrated, people scatter; when wealth is dispersed, people gather.” People and wealth are inversely related: to gain people's support, you must be generous. When you're generous, people are willing to help, and wealth grows. But if you're stingy, you lose people, and as people leave, wealth dissipates too.

Many people, though not wealthy, are known for their generosity and for maintaining appearances, which wins them the support of others. But if a person is both poor and stingy, there will be no one willing to help them.

Stinginess often stems from necessity, as budget constraints force people to carefully manage resources. Most people wouldn't choose to be stingy if they had the means to be otherwise.

When we talk about “raising daughters with affluence,” it doesn't mean buying them luxury goods, expensive clothes, or high-consumption lifestyles. Rather, it means that her family needs the strength to be a reliable support for her.

In the past, social compatibility in marriage (matching family backgrounds) was important because a marriage was like forming a partnership—a new business venture, so to speak. A wife's stake or influence in the “company” depended on her family's resources. If her family was wealthy and influential, her share would be significant. If not, her position might be diminished, and she’d face challenges.

The mother-in-law relationship often stems from the mother-in-law acting like an overseer, which leads to conflicts. If a daughter is raised with ample family support, she marries into her new family with a higher share of influence. For example, if Ren Zhengfei's daughter were to marry, her strong position would likely ensure a harmonious relationship with her mother-in-law because she would hold a major stake in the family.

The husband and wife are like shareholders, while a concubine is merely an employee- a major difference. To a concubine, the wife is even considered a boss.

So, the true meaning of “raising daughters with affluence” is that the daughter's family should have the resources to align with another wealthy family, thereby forming a strong alliance. When a family lacks these means, they likely won't be able to marry their daughter into wealth.